Woman has a strained relationship with her dad, he doesn’t even know his grandchildren's names, he’s coming to visit a day no one is going to be there: ‘I thought about calling to ask, but my husband says not to and to let them show up to an empty house.’

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Jul 20, 2026 10:30 AM EDT

You don't owe your family anything, especially if they don't even make the effort to know you or your children.

There is this belief that if it's family, then you must love and cherish them, just because family is stronger than anything else. Well, I'm here to break that dangerous social construction. Dangerous because it is common for family members to take benefit from that. Just because you are related to someone does not excuse them from mistreating you. It also doesn't make them forgivable for anything they do. A family member is just that, family, not someone special or a nice person. That depends solely on their way of behaving, not on the familiarity they have with you. 


The main problem with believing that just because someone is related to you, they are an excuse to do anything is that it makes us unhappy by forgiving every single bad thing they do. Also, if ones you decide to act on their behavior, for example, cutting ties with them, well, then it is probable that other family members start excluding you because you were not good to family. As if just because someone is family, they are entitled to do anything they want, and you have the unavoidable task of accepting it. 
 

In the story below, we encounter a grandad who doesn't really want to make an effort to have a good relationship with his daughter or grandkids. Then why is it the mom's responsibility to keep in touch? Why does she have to organize to go visit him? If he doesn't want to take time to know his family members, why should she make the effort for him? Just because it's family? Well, no. Family works both ways. If you stop making an effort to care for them, then they owe you nothing. Family IS conditioned on whether they are interested in forming a meaningful relationship or not. It's not only about being related. It's about taking an interest in family members, both ways. 
 

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  • First, some backstory. I (29F) have spent most of my life trying to impress my dad or get his attention. About 10 years ago, I met my now husband (33M). He has never liked my dad because of how he treats me and the things he's said about me and my stepsisters. As I have gotten older I am not really trying anymore. I don't call him but will answer if he calls me. They live a few hours from me and will only drive up for holidays and will make them a "pit stop" when we go to see
    via savage-love000
  • A grandad reading with his grandchild in a playroom.
    via Vitaly Gariev

    A grandad reading with his grandchild in a playroom. 

    Representation.

  • other family up there. Really I just keep contact because of my grandma, once she is gone I am done even doing holidays unless he tries which he probably won't. When our first son, now almost 2, was born, we asked everyone to wait until after he was born before coming to the hospital. I didn't want people in and out while I was in labor or sitting in the waiting room for hours. The only people there were my mom and husband in the delivery
    via savage-love000
  • room, and his mom was in the waiting room bring them food or anything we needed. Our son was born late that night, so we told all other family to visit the next morning. Most of my family lives a couple of hours away. My stepsisters and brother-in-law came early to meet their nephew, but my dad threw a fit because he wasn't there for the birth telling people I was selfish. He and his wife eventually came much later that
    via savage-love000
  • day and didn't stay long, which was fine with me. Since then, they've only come to see our oldest twice, one visit being his first birthday. Meanwhile, we've driven to them about five times over the last two years for holidays and funerals. They never invite us or make plans we always have to initiate them. My sisters, on the other hand, regularly invite us to visit or meet for weekend trips, and they've driven to see their
    via savage-love000
  • nephew several times. Every time my dad and step mom find out they act like "oh poor me, they never do anything with us." Our second son is now 2 months old, and my dad and his wife still haven't met him. They also haven't seen our oldest since February, when we drove to them. They constantly say, "We'll come in March," then "We'll come in April," but they never follow through.
    via savage-love000
  • To make matters worse, my dad can't remember my kids' names. He calls them my cousin's kids' names or just says, "How's the baby?" or "How's the oldest?" It drives my husband crazy. It's not a mental issue it's just he isn't around enough or cares enough to try. He is still young and has a get memory if he is interested in the topic we are just not one. He couldn't tell you a single thing about my oldest likes or interest. Not his favorite food or show, nothing!
    via savage-love000
  • One of my sisters called and asked, "Did you know they're coming this weekend?" I honestly had no idea, and no one has told me anything. If they do come, we already have plans, we have a funeral (for my husbands family) Saturday morning and won't be home. My husband thinks they'll show up unannounced if they even show up at all. I thought about calling to ask if they're actually coming, but my husband says not to and to let them show up to an
    via savage-love000
  • empty house. Part of me thinks that's an ah le move, but another part thinks it's the consequence of never communicating. So, WIBTAH if I don't tell them we'll be gone and they end up driving a few hours to an empty house?
    via savage-love000
  • A mother and a son hugging on the beach.
    via Xavier Mouton Photographie

    A mother and a son hugging on the beach.

    Representation.

  • mahogany818 NTA, they made plans without you, so they've made plans without you. FAFO.
    via savage-love000
  • purplespaghetty If they didn't communicate to you, | would assume they're not coming, and carry on. No need to find out. If they do show up, too bad. Sorry for your loss. NTA
    via savage-love000
  • NightlyRain946 WNBTA, he didn't let you know, simple as that. If somehow your sister telling you gets brought up just say that you thought she had the date mixed up or thought she was confused as you hadn't heard anything. My condolences for the funeral, please focus on yourself and loved ones. Tell your dad that you were at a funeral if he days anything.
    via savage-love000
  • American3141592 If they don't communicate with you to tell you they are coming, there is no need to tell them you will not be there.
    via savage-love000
  • JazzyCher NTA they cant plan a surprise visit and be shocked when youre not around to greet them. They need to communicate, and more importantly, ask permission instead of just turning up unannounced. I would even ask your sister to not tell them she said anything to you about them coming, or itll be endless "but (name) told you we were coming!"
    via savage-love000
  • Substantial_Rub_209 NTA. My guess is they don't plan on stopping at all. Don't worry about them. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your step sisters and congratulations on your new baby
    via savage-love000
  • youmustb3jokn Nta I think your husband is right. If he complains, I assumed you didn't want to come to mine because you never told me you were coming. You need to be more clear in your communication and wants.
    via savage-love000

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